10. Alejandro "Butch" Heddo
Film: Rookie of the Year
You only see him once or twice during the film. But as he's grinding the wood on the grip of his bat, shouting "This one's for mommy! MOMMY!" I got chills. Honestly. He also saved John Candy from having the dubious honor of "fattest guy in the film." Take a look at the tape. It's there.
9. David Simms
Film: Tin Cup
He took Roy's car after schtoinking his ex-girlfriend! Of course, in the end Costner gets the girl and Crockett lays up like the pansey he is. This is in fact the Merriam-Webster definition of justice.
8. Mark (Annie's brother)
Film: Field of Dreams
Again, someone's trying to convince Kevin Costner he's not worth anything. And again Costner proves him wrong. Not only is Mark a smartass realty broker, he also interrupted James Earl Jones' beautiful speech about the history of baseball. And he almost killed Ray's daughter! What a jerk.
7. Ernie McCracken
Film: Kingpin
Played to perfection by the incomparable Bill Murray. Not only did he cause Roy to lose his hand, he then mocked him for it years later. "I didn't want to lose to a guy with no hand, you know?!" Bonus points for a terrific comb-over job.
6. Baxter Cain
Film: BASEketball
Am I the only one who's amused that the great Robert Vaughn's 100th film was Trey Parker and Matt Stone's often overlooked genius sports comedy that includes no fewer than five completely homoerotic sequences? "You're excited, feel these nipples!" Anyway, hopefully inclusion on this list will help make up for the loss of the priceless autographed Ty Cobb baseball bat.
5. Rachel Phelps
Films: Major League, Major League 2
Anytime a former Las Vegas showgirl takes over the team and tries to sell it to another town with Bob Uecker in the booth, you're top 5 material. Did anyone else think Rene Russo was hotter in these movies than Margaret Whitton? Just me? Okay then, moving on...
4. Ivan Drago
Film: Rocky IV
Killing Appollo Creed in the first five minutes wasn't even his biggest offense. He's a Commie for God's sake! Inexcusable pre-1989. And he inspired that terrible and often-mocked montage towards the end of the film. DRAGO!!!! Oh, and by the way Sly, that's a really fantastic speech you made at the end of this film. What I could understand of it. We-es CAN change!
3. Judge Smails
Film: Caddyshack
"It's easy to grin, when your ship comes in, and you've got the stock market beat. But the man worthwhile, is the one who can smile, when his pants are too tight in the seat."
Gets some points for having a smoking hot niece and for pulling off that incredible hat, but come on? Treating Spaulding like he did just for being an asthmatic screw-up and his incessant racism put him in the top 3 (Colored boy?!). Now, how 'bout a Fresca?
2. Shooter McGavin
Film: Happy Gilmore
"Nuh-uh. I called it first."
The tour pro whose right arm is just a little longer than his left and a proclivity for end-rhyme threatened to burn Happy's grandma's house down and then relieve himself on the remains. He also wasn't aware Grizzly Adams had a beard. I think that puts him near the top of our list, no?
1. Jack Parkman
Film: Major League 2
"Obviously Taylor's thinking...I dunno WHAT the hell he's thinkin'!"
It's really no contest. With a name like Jack Parkman, how can you NOT name him number one? The fact that he played for the Indians for most of the season until it was apparent they were terrible and THEN jumped ship to Chicago is reason enough to hate the guy, but to suggest that Rick Vaughn's new pitch should be called "The Masturbator"? In the words of Harry Doyle, "he's still a dick."
Honorable Mention: Hercules ("Sandlot"), Warden Hazen ("The Longest Yard"), White Goodman ("Dodgeball"-would have made the list if this character wasn't an exact replica of Tony Perkis from "Heavyweights")
No comments:
Post a Comment