Virtual Dork: My most memorable Grand Theft Auto missions

I recently spent a pleasurable few weeks reading David Kushner's love letter to the Doom generation and its two mastermind's Kleenex-like level of influence on the video game world. The nonfiction work was littered with anachronisms like modems, Usenet groups and "freeware," but perhaps the most glaring and oft-repeated outdated reference to this reader was the use of the word "levels" to refer to chunks of gameplay. Today's gamers simply don't think in terms of levels as they used to in the days of coin-op and the gameplay design that put Johns Carmack and Romero on the map in the mid-1990s.

The prevailing theory would be that the prevalence of narrative-based gaming, console hard drives and solid-state memory devices (remember those 8MB memory cards for your PS2?) has blended the experience of playing a triple-A title to the point where we think little of gameplay chunks when we jump into an immersive game world. In other words, our experiences are defined by the time between when we, the gamer, push the "on" and "off" buttons on our gaming devices, not pre-determined periods of time decided by a developer.

While this has turned the notion of playing a video game on its head immeasurably since the late 1990s (personally, I'll blame the advent of anytime saving in Half-Life and checkpoint saving first available - to my knowledge - in Halo: Combat Evolved on the original Xbox), there's something to be said for relishing the work video game developers put into crafting a perfect mini-experience into a more cohesive whole.

In no game does that passion for mission design continue so unabated as in the games of the revolutionaries of free-form mission design, the folks at Rockstar Games. It's defining franchise, Grand Theft Auto, features three console generations (and soon to be a fourth) of unforgettable experiences through its timeless missions. Below are a list of my ten absolute favorite, as I prepare to double-dip with the gorgeous-looking PS4 update to Grand Theft Auto V. Enjoy.

10. "The Exchange"
Game: Grand Theft Auto 3 (2001)
Mission Given By: Catalina
Rewards: A cool $1 million, a Rhino tank available at Phil's gun shop, and you get to shut Maria up



The capstone of Rockstar's "mafioso masterpiece," as it was proclaimed on the in-game poster shipped with my Playstation 2 copy of Grand Theft Auto 3, "The Exchange" saw Claude Speed rushing to enact revenge against Catalina, who was flying away from the Shoreside Vale dam with a kidnapped Maria awaiting her rescue. You had to fight your way through Catalina's goons armed with an extensive array of automatic weaponry in enough time to fire a few well-timed blasts with your rocket launcher at the fleeing heli, all with that damn clock running. As the credits then rolled, you were treated to Claude shutting up a nattering Maria with a shotgun blast. Bliss.

9. "Rub Out"
Game: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (2002)
Mission Given By: Lance Vance
Rewards: $50K, Ricardo Diaz's mansion becomes your own personal playground


In retrospect, Ricardo Diaz (voiced by Luis Guzman) would have been a much cooler sidekick than Lance Vance (Philip Michael Thomas), who is in fact a backstabbing, murderous traitor who you will later have to off along with Sonny Forelli (Tom Sizemore). Oops. Spoilers. Rub Out is a much more satisfying (and in fact carbon copy) of Vice City's final mission. You have to fight your way through Diaz's goons, eventually popping a cap in the fat man himself, all the while making sure Lance doesn't turn into Swiss cheese. Bonus points for that final view from Diaz down the barrel of your guns. "Good NIGHT, Mr. Diaz!"

8. "The Green Sabre"
Game: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004)
Mission Given By: Sweet
Rewards: That dick Tenpenny takes your weapons, imprisons your brother and leaves you in the middle-of-nowhere


Sure, you could make a case San Andreas' final "Training Day"-inspired mission, End of the Line, was one of the most involved and cinematic in the GTA series up until that point. But "The Green Sabre" gave us a common enemy, beside those bustas the Ballers, and turned the narrative of San Andreas on its head. Fighting alongside a mortally wounded Sweet for Grove Street could have served as a nice crescendo for the final act of a Los Santos GTA adventure. As it was, we were just getting started.

Rockstar found the source material so compelling it repeated the theme in GTAV's "Hood Safari."

7. I Scream, You Scream
Game: Grand Theft Auto 3 (2001)
Mission Given By: El Burro
Rewards: $6,000, mafia goons flambéed



Rumor has it, this mission was so controversial it got overhauled in the 9/11 edit of GTA3 that delayed its release for several months. Originally, Darkel was supposed to call Claude and have him take out random passersby with explosives secreted in an ice cream truck. Instead, El Burro wants you to target mafia members who are cutting in on his business, which if his banter is to be believed involves selling burritos and fiendishly difficult to collect pornographic videotapes. Jingle jangle, KABOOM! Proving that GTA hadn't left its sophomoric streak of violence and humor in the 2D generation, I Scream, You Scream reminded us why it was good to be bad. And it wasn't the first time violence and junkfood mixed in the series, as we'll see later...

6. Boomshine Saigon
Game: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (2002)
Mission Given By: Phil Cassidy
Rewards: $4,000; ability to buy weapons from Phil; seeing Gary Busey in his natural element in video game form


Vice City gamers would remember Phil Cassidy as that mysterious one-armed man who hawked weapons in north Staunton Island. For its prequel, it would take that character, add a mullet, Gary Busey and some illegal liquor, and convince us Phil was actually a nutjob out to dismantle the U.S. government. It does a great deal of that exposition in Boomshine Saigon, which explains the disappearance of Cassidy's arm in the 2001-set Grand Theft Auto 3. As Tommy Vercetti (Ray Liotta), you have to drive Phil to the hospital before he bleeds out. Of course, you've sniffed some of the intoxicating fumes of...whatever the hell Phil was cooking, sending you careening into other cars as the timer ticks down. This mission would be higher if it didn't introduce that hazy screen and wonky controls that would make another appearance in San Andreas' Are You Going to San Fierro? and to much more annoying effect in GTAIV and V after a night of drinking.

5. Hot Dog Homicide
Game: Grand Theft Auto 2 (1999)
Mission Given By: Russians
Rewards: $40,000, respect, and a copy of Upton Sinclair's The Jungle

The brilliance of GTA's mission design is not confined to the 3D era. Hot Dog Homicide is another of the inexplicable reasons GTA2 received a "Teen" rating, as you play Claude Speed once again. This time, you're picking up fresh meat for a diner by stopping for passengers at various bus stops. That's not a mistype. You then herd the unsuspecting masses into a meat grinder and drive a hot dog van to the dropoff. Mission complete. But yeah, you probably shouldn't let your middle-schooler read Catcher in the Rye.

4. Vertical Bird
Game: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004)
Mission Given By: Mike Toreno
Rewards: $50K, respect, a Hydra at your hideout and James Woods' undying love


Mike Toreno (James Wood) has Carl Johnson (Young Maylay) do some ridiculous things in San Andreas. Perhaps the most ridiculous is infiltrate a government warship to steal a high-powered, futuristic jet fighter. "Vertical Bird" had everything that made San Andreas bigger, better and more involved than the gameplay of its predecessors. There was even the opportunity for a bit of stealth as you stalked the Hydra on the off-limits real estate of the San Fierro military base. Some will say they prefer the assault on Area 69, Black Project, is their favorite San Andreas mission because it yields the game-changing jetpack. But Vertical Bird combines all the elements that make the game so fun.

3. Three Leaf Clover
Game: Grand Theft Auto IV (2008)
Mission Given By: Packie McReary
Rewards: $250K, achievement, your roommate feeding you Verbal Kint references


Three Leaf Clover provided the groundwork for GTAV's heist missions, and it was the first (and arguably only) glimpse of what the next generation of hardware could do to amp up the intensity of the GTA mission structure. Packie McReary provided a nice, light-hearted (but still deadly) counterpoint to brooding Niko Bellic, and it was nice to see Rockstar open up its mission structure to provide for some spirited gunplay and a truly impressive bank heist that has its routes as early as Vice City.

2. Caida Libre (or "Freefall")
Game: Grand Theft Auto V (2013)
Mission Given By: Martin Madrazo
Rewards: Achievement, the stunning brilliance of GTAV on full display


As the most recent iteration in the GTA franchise, V suffers from what I'll call "mission envelopment." The story arcs in GTA have become more grandiose through the years, with the game's narrative often supplanting the simple tasks at hand in recent versions of the game. In V, you're always working toward a bigger score, or a heist, or a hit, so that when you do finally achieve your ultimate goal, it feels more of a process than one long, extended chunk of gameplay.

Not so in "Caida Libre," which is a self-contained masterpiece showcasing the best of what GTAV had to offer - character switching, larger-than-life stakes and a trip through the sprawling dustlands of north Los Santos. Shooting aircraft out of the sky has been a feature of GTA since the aforementioned "The Exchange" in GTA3. But whereas all other versions were falling with style, "Caida Libre" showed just how far the series had come.

1. Bomb da Base
Game: Grand Theft Auto 3 (2001)
Mission Given By: 8-Ball
Rewards: $150K, Staunton Island, and 13 subsequent years of GTA gaming



"Alright, let's do this thing." 8-Ball was ready, and so were you, Claude Speed, for the mission that would define the next decade of GTA gaming. Armed with a sniper rifle, you were tasked with protecting 8-Ball as the AI-controlled character moved his way through a heavily guarded tanker to place a bomb. His hands were still pretty messed up, so you had to drive and take that adrenaline pill to slow time down long enough to stop the goons' automatic weapons from riddling your bomb-making friend.

When Rockstar began working on the sequels to GTA3, this was the mission they used as their guide. For good reason. Bomb da Base served as a bombastic (no pun intended) end to the Portland saga, and would have been a fitting end to the GTA3 story. But you had much crime ahead of you, none of which captured those sweaty palms of trying to pull off a headshot before 8-Ball bit the dust.

Virtual Dork: An IGN revision, the Top 20 Games of this Generation

I was dragged, kicking and screaming, into the latest generation of game consoles. I adored my Playstation 2, so much so that parting ways with it placed me in an existential funk it took me an entire playthrough of the original Gears of War to shake. I bought an Xbox 360 in 2007, awaiting the May 2008 release of Grand Theft Auto IV. Really, that was the only reason.


Seven years later, the damn thing is still sitting on the top of my dresser, and gets about as much (if not more) love than my tubby tabby cat.


IGN recently released its list of the top 100 games of this generation, as we move forward to some AAA titles releasing on next-generation hardware, perhaps none bigger so far than Ubisoft's Watch Dogs offering set to drop next week. While I tend to think picking on another person's (or publication's) best of lists is a fool's errand, I was supremely unimpressed by the final order of IGN's top games.


While I came into my gaming self during the SNES and original Playstation days, I've felt no closer to a generation of games than the one we're about to leave in the rear-view mirror. So, while I know I did a top games of the 00's list just a few years ago, I feel inclined to answer IGN with a new list centered specifically on the last eight years of gaming.


A word of caution before we begin: I was an Xbox gamer. I understand the Uncharted games are excellent and there are many other PS3 exclusives that are probably missing. But, not having played them, I can't say with any authority which is better than the other. I did have access to a Nintendo Wii for a while during the past generation, however, and I feel well informed to include some of those titles among the ones listed below.

20. Gears of War 3 (Xbox 360, released 2011)

If Gears of War proved the cover-based shooter could survive on consoles and Gears of War 2 gave us the oft-emulated “Horde mode,” Gears of War 3 tied those elements together in a cinematic package that couldn't be beat. Campaign co-op was a blast and the addition of mech suits gave the usually plodding pace a bit more zip. A lot was made of the story element to the final game, sending off Dom and resolving the plotline between Marcus Fenix and his father. I couldn't care less. The shotty was satisfying and the chainsaw revved once more. Gears 3 was the best of the series, hands down.

19. You Don't Know Jack (multi, released 2011)

To the untrained eye, the 2011 release of You Don't Know Jack on current generations of consoles was merely an extension of the console and PC classic from the mid-to-late 90s. However, Jellyvision crafted a much more focused experience with episode-based content that enabled you to play for hours without repeating a question. The introduction of new theme-based questions (Nocturnal Admissions with Cookie Masterson is my personal favorite) and the strategic element of the “Wrong Answer of the Game” makes the most recent console outing the best in a long line of full retail releases. Episode packs ended when Jelllyvision moved to supporting its Facebook app game and other titles, but there's still enough fun here for multiple wasted afternoons with friends, either online or on the couch next to you.

18. Assassin's Creed 3 (multi, released 2012)

The American colonies proved a perfect fit for Assassin's Creed gameplay, and while the first two numbered entries in the now-prolific series set the narrative tone for subsequent games, it is the third title that explores history and offers player freedom in a way that hadn't yet been experienced. Some will say they prefer Assassin's Creed 2's Ezio and his bubbly persona to the ceaselessly pissed Connor. I found his relationship with Kenway much more interesting than any of Desmond's exploits so far or his ancestors. The sea battles, hunting and pirate coves were a welcome diversion from the rinse-and-repeat gameplay of climbing towers, shoving your way through streets and slipping into haybales to avoid detection. Ubisoft hit a high point with Assassin's Creed 3 they'll have to work hard to overcome in the next generation.

17. Borderlands 2 (multi, released 2012)

Borderlands 2 took everything that was great with the original's formula (including Claptrap) and kicked it up a notch in the sequel. The gunplay is satisfying, the villain actually has some personality and the infectious looting is given an adrenaline shot in the arm. While the cel-shaded graphics still aren't my favorite thing in the world, they work in the world of Pandora, which still feels fresh in the game's second installment. It appears as though the creators are going in the story-telling direction with Telltale Games' Tales from the Borderlands releasing sometime in the next year, but let's hope the next generation of consoles gives us brand new settings, equally compelling characters and the same addictive gunplay and collecting we've come to expect from the series.

16. Grand Theft Auto IV (multi, released 2008)

The story of Niko Bellic is what stands out as GTAIV's crowning achievement. The add-ons, while fun, are forgettable and given the technical achievement that is GTAV, Liberty City just doesn't feel as fun as it used to when this game released. Still, Rockstar is to be commended for bringing their flagship franchise into the high-definition era with style, and giving us a grown-up story to match the brilliant open-world gameplay. GTAIV provided the stepping stone that gave us (spoiler) the best game of this generation, and it deserves to be counted among the generation's best because of it.

15. Donkey Kong County Returns (Nintendo Wii, released 2010)

The return of the 2D platformer is a legacy this generation of consoles should be proud in promoting. None stood taller than Retro Studios' Donkey Kong Country Returns, which traded the Kremlings for Tikis and the standard controller for some motion-based antics. The game was fast, fun and with the addition of simultaneous co-op (pioneered in New Super Mario Bros. Wii) took a legacy formula and made it the ultimate party game. It was also gorgeous, throwing Donkey and Diddy into the background and foreground as well as casting them in vibrant silhouettes that kept gamers on their toes.

14. Red Dead Redemption (multi, released 2010)

Reviving the series Rockstar took over from Capcom in the PS2-era, Red Dead Redemption casts its (anti)hero as John Marston, and gives us one of the last generation's greatest stories. The gunplay is leaps and bounds ahead of GTAIV's, and the horse mechanics gel brilliantly with Rockstar's brand of open-world gameplay. The seeds for GTAV's infectious online mode are laid in RDR's open-world multiplayer extravaganza, and the single player experience is chock full of things to do in what seems a barren environment. Red Dead is an achievement that we can only hope will be built upon in the next round of hardware.

13. Bioshock (originally Xbox exclusive, then multi, released 2007)

What if you made a spiritual successor to System Shock 2, that kept its ambiguous morality but made its gunplay infinitely more approachable and threw on a sheen of Randian objectivism? You get Bioshock, a mindbending journey under the sea that made the phrase “Would you kindly?” spine-tinglingly sinister. Long after the smoke from your pistol dissipated, you'd be thinking about what your actions meant, a theme only enhanced by the brilliant follow-up Bioshock: Infinite.

12. Team Fortress 2 (multi, released 2007)

While free-to-play is now ubiquitous, who would have known its greatest title would be a follow-up to a modification of the original Half-Life released more than 15 years ago? Team Fortress 2 is a social experience that gets an online community to work together, something the countless clones of Call of Duty seem to have proven impossible. Its cartoonish style only adds to its charm, and no matter what device you play the game on it's a great way to lose yourself in a simplistic world for several hours. That it remains one of the top-played games on Steam only shows the brilliance of its simple design.

11. Halo 4 (Xbox 360, released 2012)

Halo 3 brought the Master Chief into the high-definition era, but what 343 Industries did with the next numbered entry in the series gave the Spartan his definitive experience on the last generation of consoles. A campaign that introduced a new threat (albeit with somewhat of a cinematic and chintzy final boss), new weapons and switched the mechanics up just enough to allow 343 to make the game its own are just some of the reasons Halo 4 outshined the previous iterations of the series on the 360. The biggest leap forward for me, though, was the introduction of Spartan Ops, a somewhat hit-and-miss episodic adventure that kept me (and my buddies) coming back long after the credits rolled.

10. Portal 2 (multi, released 2011)

It could be the introduction of new witty enemy Wheatley, or the stronger attempt at narrative, or perhaps the goo-themed mind-bending puzzles that built upon the original Portal that ratcheted its successor onto my list of favorite games of the past generation. But the biggest reason was its local co-op functionality that radically changed how you played the first-person puzzler. Shots needed to be timed, portals opened and closed in the wink of an eye, but none of the solutions ever felt cheap, even with two players tackling the challenges. The return of GLADoS was, forgive me, icing on the cake.

9. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (multi, released 2009)

Yes, yes, Call of Duty 4 modernized the genre and provided the first glimpse of innovations that have become genre staples. And the hideous lack of an open beta made MW2's multiplayer frustratingly broken early in its lifecycle (Javelin glitch, anyone?). But as patches were released, and the furor over the game's “No Russian” mission subsided, what emerged is one hell of a game that I, personally, have poured more than a month into in game time. That's not a misprint, I have the stats in my Barracks to prove it. Modern Warfare 2 also holds claim to the greatest shotgun (the game's version of the Spas-12) in the history of first-person shooters. Don't dispute it.

8. Mario Kart Wii (Nintendo Wii, released 2008)

Forget that dumb plastic wheel peripheral. Yeah, it was innovative at the time, but the real reason you kept coming back to Mario Kart Wii was the beautiful tracks, the thrill of hitting that power slide juuuusst right and – above all else – smearing your friend's face in defeat. Mario Kart Wii allowed four players to crowd around the TV and link up with would-be racers around the world for the first time. While it didn't always work perfectly, it was always a lot of damn fun. Many an epithet was shouted at the 117 in Nashville as that blue shell closed in on each and every one of us.

7. Batman: Arkham Aslyum (multi, released 2009)

I can't remember a gaming world before Arkham Asylum, and I certainly don't want to remember Batman on consoles before it. Rocksteady got the Dark Knight, and it did so at a perfect time following the massive success of Christopher Nolan's film. Introducing an unforgettable rogue gallery headed by the Joker, but also including lesser-known and more outlandish foes like Killer Croc and Victor Zsasz. The asylum itself, a longstanding destination of evil in the comics, comes to life in ways that wouldn't have been possible on the hardware that came before the Xbox 360. Rocksteady launched a franchise to be reckoned with in Arkham Asylum, which seems to be headed for an explosive finale with the much-anticipated Arkham Knight.

6. Telltale Games Presents: The Walking Dead (multi, released 2012)

Telltale Games took us on perhaps the most emotional journey of the past generation in the midst of an apocalyptic nightmare. Taking its visual cues from the comic book series, the slightly cel-shaded look of The Walking Dead belies a deep and mature story about love, loss and responsibility. Lee Everett is a complex protagonist whose relationship with Clementine evolves in an episodic manner, right up to the heart-wrenching finale. Like no other game this side of X-Com, your choices have painfully real consequences in Telltale Games' masterpiece that proved episodic gaming wasn't just a ploy by developers delivering DLC cash-grabs.

5. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (multi, released 2011)

Bethesda, the king of massive gameplay worlds, sends you into a Nordic fantasyland full of dastardly characters, demonic dungeons and heroic battles in the fifth installment of its Elder Scrolls series. One could get lost in the lore bound in tomes of a castle's library for hours, should they choose, or instead punch the village drunk in the face and start widespread chaos – until you take an arrow to the knee. Magnificent Scandinavian voice acting gives Skyrim a unique feel, and the unique character progression allows players to level without grinding, should they choose. This is as close to a perfect console RPG as you're going to get, unless your name is …

4. Fallout 3 (multi, released 2008

Immediately destroying its moniker as “Elder Scrolls with guns,” Bethesda took an established turn-based franchise and turned it on its first-person head, allowing you to see through the eyes of a Vault Dweller for the first time in perhaps gaming's most famous post-apocalyptic wasteland. This time, in fact, you found yourself in the Capital Wastes, searching for your father in the most personal story contained within a Fallout game to date. The Deathclaws, wry humor and Super Mutants were all along for the ride, which stretched to easily more than 70 hours of gameplay if you scoured for every last bottle of Nuka-Cola. And what a way (and place) to spend it.

3. Super Mario Galaxy 2 (Nintendo Wii, 2010)

There will be swearing. Those damn green stars are going to make your head spin. Super Mario Galaxy 2 builds in every way upon its revolutionary predecessor, which took Mario to the skies in search of saving Princess Peach from the clutches of Bowser (duh). Super Mario Galaxy 2 is beautiful. The soundtrack is spot on. Yoshi's appearance in the 3D world is a breath of fresh air. But most importantly, the second entry in the Galaxy series allowed Nintendo to play with the concept of planets, creating stunning challenges that pushed the boundaries of the hardware and, in the process, platforming. More than 25 years after emerging from his first green pipe, Mario showed he still had chops this generation.

2. Bioshock: Infinite (multi, released 2013)

What's to say about a game built upon a premise in the clouds that shows us the depths of human behavior? Zachary Hale Comstock improves upon the dastardly clout of Andrew Ryan and Frank Fontaine in the first Bioshock title. His patriots and other heavy hitters deal just as much punishment and fear as the Big Daddies that populated Rapture. But the true achievement of Bioshock: Infinite is the relationship between Elizabeth and Booker, and how the player realizes that something is amiss about the tears, memories and alternate realities that Irrational Games guides you through in the pair's adventure. The last 20 minutes, mostly achieved through cutscenes, are some of the most powerful moments of video gaming in this or any generation. The two stellar episodic follow-ups, which tie the trilogy together, only add to the prestige of this astounding achievement.

1. Grand Theft Auto V (multi, released 2013)

How do you take one of the biggest gaming franchises and make it better? Add back in the insanity and over-the-top gameplay that put you on the map, split the narrative between three characters and offer a persistent online world for players with the kind of gameplay options one would expect from the king of open-world games. GTAV pushes the current generation to its limit, building a living, breathing San Andreas that makes all other open world attempts, including 2008's Liberty City, pale in comparison. The story may not be as focused as Niko Bellic's, but it more than makes up for it in offering us three deeply troubled characters shaped by – and willing to try to change – their surroundings. While other games of this generation took conventions we were accustomed to and ratcheted them up in terms of their visual fidelity and presentation, GTAV did things (branching mission paths, multiple characters who can be changed on the fly, a persistent online world with its own economies and constantly changing dynamics) that literally changed the way we played. And for that, it's the greatest game of the past eight years.

Virtual Dork: Infamous Second Son Review

While I've owned a PS4 for the better part of three months now, I've used it mostly to watch Blu-Rays and play free downloadable titles. With the launch of any console comes that inevitable dead period that can last anywhere from a few months to half-a-year in which software is at a premium and exclusives are almost unheard of.

I was eager, then, to get my hands on Sucker Punch's Infamous: Second Son. While I was an Xbox guy in the last generation and, admittedly, haven't played any of the series' titles to date, I'm a sucker (no pun intended) for a good open-world title that gives my character the power to wreak havoc on a massive scale.

What Sucker Punch does well in Second Son, it does as well (if not better) than anyone in the business. Sadly, however, Second Son is little more than a graphical and storytelling step-up from a number of other games already available in the current generation.

The story sucks you in immediately. You're Delsin Rowe, a member of the Akomish tribe whose past is clearly checkered. The player is immediately introduced to the spray-tagging mechanic, a nice use of the DualShock 4's motion sensing and built-in sound system. While I still think motion detection and the controller's touchpad are nothing more than gimmicks, they're used to good effect in Second Son, immersing you further into the game world without becoming too much of a hindrance.

From there, you're off on the grandest of the game's many fetch-quests, to attain cement-altering powers from the game's main antagonist: Brooke Augustine, leader of the Department of Unified Protection who has captured all of the element-controlling superheroes known as "Conduits" (or Bio-Terrorists) in the game world. She's made Seattle her base of operations and you'll have a blast shredding it to pieces with smoke, neon and video powers, each with its own set of visual and combat goodies.

Along the way, you'll make choices about whom to save or who to throw to the wolves; whether you'll use nonlethal force and blast away the bad guys and innocent civilians alike; and learn more about the D.U.P. from an intriguing alternative-reality game (ARG) that takes place in the Seattle game world and on your browser. Infamous: Paper Trail may be the most unique thing the game does and it extends the life of an otherwise repetitive series of missions that never truly opens the sandbox entirely to your will.

Seattle looks gorgeous, Delsin's character is incredibly detailed (down to the buttons on his denim jacket) and you'll want to stop on a rooftop all Batman-like and watch the Seattleites go about their day in a society on the brink of dystopia. In particular, Delsin's relationship with his sheriff's deputy brother, Reggie, is a high point in the game. These guys feel like brothers, and when the weight of the narrative gets too heavy, they're bantering always brings it back to a lighthearted spot.

The cutscenes, which are in some cases artistically rendered as panels in a comic book per the series' stylistic motif, are really the only reason to slog through what quickly becomes a repetitive series of missions that only alter slightly as the game progresses. You'll be doing the same thing on the game's second island as you did on the first - tracking down secret DUP agents by their mug shots, chasing hovering security cameras for their shards that act as the game's currency for upgrading your powers and occasionally choosing whether to decimate a crowd of drug dealers or subdue them and smash their goods. The only thing that changes is how much punishing the enemies can take and the presence of Augustine's cement fortifications. That's it.

Meanwhile, you become much more powerful as the game progresses. In open-world games, I like to knock out all the sidequests so I can be sure my character has an entire arsenal at his disposal in the end game. Because of this, I unlocked the neon karmic streak ability (a devastating attack that slows the game to a crawl and you blast neon juice out of your arms, subduing all enemies in a 2-block radius) rather early on. I also earned the ability to blast at weak subdue points on enemies in bullet-time that made wrapping them up a breeze.

As a result, every combat situation turned in to the same rinse and repeat, subdue enough guys to earn the karmic streak then take everyone else down checklist. Combat became a chore that was as simple as lifting a pinkie, no matter the abilities or resistance of the enemies I faced.

The game rushes to an inevitable showdown with Augustine that does pack a whallup and ingeniously includes the "learning a new power" schtick in the final boss battle that made me feel like a badass. Getting there, however, was another story. You have to climb the tallest tower in the game, and with two allies in tow and hundreds of enemies firing at you, an errant missile is bound to send you plummeting over the edge, which is an instant MISSION FAILED screen. Sure, you respawn rather close to where you were, but in a game that pushes how much of a badass you are falling 10 feet equating to a game over is a ridiculous conceit that pulls you out of the game world.

Infamous: Second Son is the first truly exclusive, next-gen game on the PS4. For that reason alone, I recommend playing the title. But it isn't the huge leap forward in terms of gameplay you'd expect from a next-gen game. It's a better-than-average open world game designed with the last generation in mind that looks simply stunning and is written by people who get storytelling in games.

I recommend a bargain-bin purchase.

Verdict: 3/5 stars.

An Inexplicably Close Look at an Obscure Song: The Ataris "Boys of Summer"

When I was a kid, like many I dreamed of rock and roll weekends. I even held a bass at one point and attempted to learn the instrument, despite having the rhythm of some combination of Anthony Michael Hall characters from the 1980s.

There were two names I wanted for my band, to be emblazoned across the drum set as I made young women swoon with my delicious licks. The first was The Ecto-Coolers. The second was The Ataris.

As far as I know, the Hi-C inspired moniker is still up for grabs. I was devastated when I learned sometime around the 10th grade my back-up dreams were dashed.

If you're going to name yourselves after the early 80s video game console of choice, you better be damn good. The Ataris seemed it when I started listening to their music right around junior high. "Angry Nerd Rock" is still one of my angsty favorites from those days, when American Hi-Fi and Mest were on repeat in my portable CD player and Dude Where's My Car? was in my VCR.

Ahem. Back off the nostalgia train.

"Boys of Summer" never really made much sense to me. I mean, yeah, I understood it when it was played at baseball stadiums and whatnot, but the whole concept seemed dated, even in the 1980s. Was Don Henley singing about gypsies? Who were these boys, and more importantly, where did their female counterparts come from? Are there hordes of young attractive people who burrow themselves underground in winter and show up for sex, drugs and rock and roll in the summer? Is that what those Disney internships are all about?

The Ataris cover of the 1984 hit answers none of these questions, and it also avoids what a good cover song should do - that is, take a song and change its style, message or some other facet to make it your own. For example, the millions of ska/punk covers of 80s songs. Or Authority Zero's (contemporary with The Ataris) cover of "Mexican Radio."

What we get with The Ataris is a straightforward, power pop version of a song that was already a straightforward, power pop piece that is the musical equivalent of a corn dog - battered with sweetness, but unfilling and leaving you with regret.

The Ataris would have been better off covering the Juno First theme song. But maybe I'm just looking into it too closely.

A Sticky Floors and Salty Popcorn Review: The Grand Budapest Hotel

Count me among the Wes Anderson acolytes who believe (excepting the man's opus, The Royal Tenenbaums) the divisive filmmaker's skills are only improving with age, each title improving upon the last and broadening the brushstrokes of the truly distinctive and imaginative cinematic storyteller of our generation.

"The Grand Budapest Hotel" is no exception.

In his latest work, Anderson again visits the well in terms of artistic design (the diorama sets return, this time vivid portrayals of European mountainscapes), acting talent (Schwartzman, Wilson, Brody, Swinton, Dafoe, Norton and Murray - all are here, and in top Andersonian form, with the last sporting a cheeky handlebar mustache that is just DAMN PERFECT) and whimsy.

What is new here is the exceptional talents of the leading men, established Ralph Fiennes as M. Gustave, the veteran concierge of the titular lodging, and newcomer Tony Revolori, 17, who plays Gustave's pupil and later valet, Zero. Anderson takes some time introducing us to these characters, choosing to couch his latest story through the conceit of a girl reading a novel, then an interview with that novelist (an inspired cameo from the great Tom Wilkinson), then Jude Law appearing as the young author drawing inspiration for the book from F. Murray Abraham as wealthy proprietor Mr. Mustafa, and finally the realization that Zero is a young version of Mustafa at the hotel in 1932.

The set-up here affords the perfect opportunity for a kind of metafiction, but all the other timelines are quickly subsumed by the exploits of Gustave and Zero. There is an attempt at the end of the film to tie together some points Anderson is trying to make about storytelling, but the problem remains that the central narrative is just too damn compelling. Only in the stylistic choice of shooting a final scene in black and white do we realize that the 1932 story is just that - a story we are receiving third or fourth hand. It's a missed opportunity for what I term an "Anderson moment" - a glimpse of grander meaning beyond the absurdity and beauty of what is unfolding onscreen.

Imagine, for example, that Alec Baldwin's narrator in "Tenenbaums" were introduced before the story even begins, and that he is tied in some tangential way to the family. You'd get a sense of what is set up in "The Grand Budapest Hotel" but never fully realized.

This is all nitpicking, however. Fiennes quickly shows he gets Anderson's dialogue and penchant for absurdity in the midst of a very serious story. Here, the threat is personified by the onset of war. An army, bearing a "ZZ" seal that in terms of iconography is a next-door neighbor of the Schutzstaffel in Nazi Germany, encroaches upon the story at key junctures that remind us the stakes of what is occurring onscreen. Like all Anderson villains, however, their presence is merely a contrivance that serves as backdrop for another more personal story, the father/son relationship that builds between Gustave and Zero.

It will surprise no fan of Anderson to learn both characters are fatherless males with very real personality quirks to kink out. You can blink and see in these characters Steve Zissou/Ned, Mr. Fox/Ash, Royal/Richie Tenenbaum, etc. It should also surprise no fan of Anderson's that this relationship ends almost as abruptly as it begins and never obtains the perfect loving, fatherly role we expect in conclusions to such stories.

Anderson takes us on a wild adventure that runs at a breakneck pace to a conventional, art heist conclusion. He does it with character actors that sparkle together onscreen with an oddball chemistry he seems to have a knack for creating. Though Mark Mothersbaugh is not present for this installment of Anderson's oeuvre, the precocious sound of Anderson still plays as backdrop for the story, and the shots are purely Andersonian - wide-angle pans of extremely elaborate sets that work perfect for the time period.

This is Wes Anderson and his players at perhaps their greatest synchronicity to this point, even though the story itself carries none of the personal weight we see in "Royal Tenenbaums." It is an adventure not to be missed by fans of the filmmaker.

Verdict: 4.5/5 stars

A Sticky Floors and Salty Popcorn Special: Women Superheroes, and Why We Don't See More of Them

I don't think it's a coincidence that this piece from IGN happened to appear the same day Gloria Steinem hit age 80.

We've yet to see a female superhero movie that resonates with both the hardcore comics crowd and the mainstream the way the recent Dark Knight trilogy, Marvel Phase 1 and 2 or even the great Richard Donner Superman movies of the late 1970s and early 1980s have.

Sure, we've seen strong female characters in modern superhero movies, even those with exceptional powers that factor in to the narrative. Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow is a prominent figure not only in The Avengers, but also the two Iron Man films in which she's appeared. Pepper Potts even dons the shell in the latest RDJ/Tony Stark adventure. And you'd be lying if you didn't say there wasn't a depth of character to Anne Hathaway's Selina Kyle in The Dark Knight Rises that surpassed even the sultry performance of Michelle Pfieffer in Batman Returns.

This is all to say nothing of the deathstroke Famke Janssen gave to the X-Men series as Phoenix in The Last Stand, obliterating two of the classic series' main draws in Cyclops and Dr. Charles Xavier.

But every movie that tries to make the female character the lead falls flat. I'm looking at you, Halle Berry and Jennifer Garner. Why?

We can't say it's because of a lack of great source material. The aforementioned Jean Grey and Selina Kyle have provided countless rich storylines over the years. This is to say nothing of the leaps and bounds made in other media around strong, nuanced female characters. As I'm writing, the second chapter of Bioshock Infinite: Burial at Sea is downloading to my Xbox 360. I can't wait to see how viewing Rapture through Elizabeth's eyes will change my experience.

On TV, we've had decades of strong female characters that form the basis of compelling, long-running narratives. Joss Whedon himself ushered in the era, arguably, with his brilliant Buffy the Vampire Slayer series on WGN, or UPN, or whatever the hell the network was calling itself in 2003.

This lends all the more credence to Johansson's request in the above piece for a superhero movie to be made where the female characters aren't running around in their skivvies, staring longingly at the men who will have to come save them (I'm looking at you, Amazing Spider-Man 2).

In a year that could arguably be the greatest showcase for the maturity and universal appeal of the superhero tale transcending its niche audience (if it hasn't already), it's unconscionable that we have to continue to watch our female characters in these films simply play the gams. Johansson's right. Comic book and movie fans deserve more.

Virtual Dork: South Park Stick of Truth Review

There is a moment, after you've vanquished a member of a rival faction using an arsenal of farts, Cheesy Poofs and magic 8-ball-handed weapons, when you, as the "new kid" in South Park, witness a familiar cast of characters bickering over how to take down their greatest foe.

"Suck my e-e-e-elven dick, Butters," Jimmy Valmer says on the screen in front of you, perfectly framed as only the construction-paper inspired animation of Trey Parker and Matt Stone can be.

It is these moments that elevate South Park: Stick of Truth above a normal licensed game. The script was written by Parker and Stone. The game was made using resources from South Park Studios' animation team. All of the voice actors (including Isaac Hayes in a brief cameo) are here. This looks and sounds exactly like an episode of South Park should.

It's only a pity that, under the hood, Stick of Truth is an exceptionally easy title with little reason for multiple playthroughs. While the South Park fan in you will squeal with joy as you battle Al Gore and try to beat back the flaming farts of Wizard Cartman, the nonsensical ending and shallow gameplay keep Stick of Truth from being a truly great video game, although it's undoubtedly a wonderful narrative experience (with some caveats).

You begin the game as the "new kid," moving in to a home on the same block as series regulars Eric Cartman, Stan Marsh, Kenny McCormack and Kyle Broflovski. You quickly join forces with Butters Stotch, who informs you of the game du jour in the neighborhood. The conceit, a mystical RPG quest with fantastical elements, is drop dead similar to the narrative sheen that ran through last fall's "Black Friday" trilogy on the show. Cartman and Butters are members of the human guild, while Stan and Kyle do battle as knights of the elven faction.

After creating your character, you learn from parents (who share your physical traits) that there is something just not right about you. Unfortunately, what is one of the most interesting and novel story quirks in the game gets dismissed in a trivial and surprisingly uninteresting and unfunny cutscene toward the end of the game featuring an eye-patched, shadowy government figure.

Your journey will take you to all the staple locations in South Park: Skeeter's Bar, Jimbo's Gun shop, City Wok, Tom's Rhinoplasty and the abortion clinic. Throughout the game's roughly 15-hour playtime, you'll run into all the classic characters, who you can "friend" through the game's Facebook system. As you gain friends and experience points, you'll be able to add perks and abilities that increase your powers in turn-based combat that hearkens back to the old days of Chrono Trigger and Final Fantasy.

Unfortunately, that combat is relatively uninspired. While there are some fun elemental quirks to the game that you can use to turn the tide in your favor when the combat screen does appear, most of the fights are winnable using a simple pattern of actions, and because there is no limitation on the amount of items you can carry and stockpiling combat potions is merely an exercise in searching for cash, strategy goes out the window in the second half of the game.

As a thief, I was granted a basically game-breaking ability early on to stun the most powerful enemies while I picked off minions. Using Butters' "Healing Touch" ability, I was able to win almost all fights in the game following a relatively simple pattern once I had a level 10 weapon. Combat becomes a slog to get to the next brilliantly written cutscene.

That is, until the end of the game, when you're forced into a series of battles that increasingly make little sense and the difficulty factor is artificially inflated. Without spoiling the ending, I can say that the final climactic scene can be seen coming from a mile away, something that is relatively unconscionable for a series and writers known to toy with the absurd in pursuit of satire.

Despite my poo-poohing, Stick of Truth is an extremely fun romp through America's finest source of scatological satire. Fans of Matt and Trey's work should not miss the opportunity to visit this quiet little redneck mountain town and relive some of their favorite experiences from the long-running series. However, I would advise against paying the full price. Wait for a discount for your trip to Colorado.

Verdict: 3/5 stars