In defense of 'Vice City'

Heralded upon its release in 2002, Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is a game that has a dubious honor I will call "the middle child syndrome."

Despite voice acting from Hollywood megastars like Ray Liotta (protagonist Tommy Vercetti), Burt Reynolds (real estate mogul Avery Carrington), NFL tough guy Lawrence Taylor (car salesman and former football pro BJ Smith), Dennis Hopper (porn movie auteur Steve Scott), Debbie Harry (taxi controller) and more, in the years since its release Vice City has been overshadowed by its predecessor GTA3, which rocketed the franchise into 3-D, and its follower San Andreas, heralded at the time for its massive, realistic world.

The high-definition era of Rockstar's signature franchise has revisited Liberty City and San Andreas, but never returned to the sandy, satiric shores of the GTA universe's Miami doppleganger. Some would argue that's because the pastels and excess that made sense in a game set in the 1980s wouldn't work with the new approach Rockstar has taken with the franchise. But many of those themes were present in Grand Theft Auto 5, set in southern California, and Michael De Santa was the closest thematically to Liotta's Vercetti that we've seen inhabiting the shoes of a GTA protagonist since 2002 (white man w/ ties to organized crime).

After achieving 100 percent completion in GTA3 recently, I fired up Vice City, a game I spent a lot of time with in the early 2000s both on my Playstation 2 and PC. The game's look and feel were immediate hooks, but many of the game's missions weren't as memorable as GTA3's were when I was replaying that game. At first, I thought this might be another reason Vice City gets lost in the shuffle of Rockstar's GTA history. But the truth is, it's because Vice City offers greater freedom, while at the same time funneling the player toward a satisfying conclusion to the main storyline, something that subsequent GTA games haven't been able to recapture.

An early mission in Vice City has you attending a yacht party thrown by Colonel Juan Cortez (voiced by 'Goonies' alumnus Robert Davi). At this party, you meet every character of consequence you'll see/work for later in the game: Carrington, Ricardo Diaz (Luis Guzman), Scott, Smith, members of the fictional rock group "Love Fist." Rockstar sets the table for the story of revenge and conquest you're about to embark on.

Then, the first portion of the game has you learning Vice City's new mechanics, like changing outfits, driving motorbikes and piloting helicopters. While these tutorials aren't perfect by any stretch of the imagination (can you say 'Demolition Man'?), the early missions serve as a stepping stone to the freedom that opens up once you waste Diaz.

From there, the decision falls to the player how to proceed. Which assets do you want to acquire? Do you go after the flashy Malibu club and pull off the series first true "heist" sequence (a mission structure revisited in just about every GTA game since)? Do you work for Scott, and find out some secrets about conservative congressman Alex Shrub? Do you spend the most money, but also attain the greatest reward, completing the missions for the Print Works, essential to unlocking the final showdown with mobster Sonny Forelli (Tom Sizemore)? Maybe street racing is your deal. Smith's Sunshine Autos is for you.

In a game series that emphasizes player choice, the way your reach the end game in Vice City is perhaps the most revolutionary that was seen in the franchise until the introduction of heists into GTAV. You choose what story elements you want to unlock first, rather than being guided through a series of missions that will ultimately result in the final confrontation. Not even San Andreas, voted the best GTA game in a fan poll just before the release of GTAV, had that kind of freedom. It's also a callback to the early 2D roots of the GTA series, which required only that you attain a "high score" (cash in the GTA universe) to progress through the game.

Vice City is an imperfect game, to be sure. It's targeting system is still awful, compared to later GTA titles, and the motorbikes just don't handle as well as they could. Many of the game's missions fall prey to the constricted structure of early 3D GTA titles: go here, kill some guys, pick this up, return.

But in terms of player choice, GTA: Vice City is perhaps one of the earliest and most successful experiments in the franchise. And it's still a blast to have that freedom at your fingertips, 14 years later.

What I've learned replaying Grand Theft Auto III

It was Christmas 2001. My mom took my brother and me to the Walmart near our house and picked up the Playstation 2, wrapped in brown packaging paper, which had been put on layaway until our gift exchange on New Year’s. But my brother received an NCAA football game from my grandparents a few days prior, and in my grubby mitts was a shiny new copy of Grand Theft Auto 3. I insisted we travel to pick up the new console right away.

And, within hours, I was transported to the expansive (and inappropriately violent) world of Liberty City. It was a far cry from the small confines of GTA2 on my original Playstation, a game that was inexplicably rated Teen and thus deemed appropriate for my age level by my parents. GTA3 was a hard Mature, but for some crazy reason that still isn’t clear to me I was able to convince my parents I could play it. What followed was my introduction to true 3D gaming, and the narrative potential of the medium that continues to inspire me to this day.
 

What a strange thing, then, to replay the game almost 15 years later, and to realize just how far game design has come in that decade and a half.

If you follow me on Twitch, I’ve been spending many an evening becoming reacquainted with Liberty City. Here are some things I’ve learned.

3D DRIVING WAS STILL A GIMMICK

Many of the early missions in GTA3 have you drive around the block, pick someone up and a cutscene plays. This was groundbreaking gameplay in 2001, when we’d been confined to cars or on-foot action in nearly every game imaginable. Only Driver 2, which had woefully inadequate on-foot action (you couldn’t even shoot!), had attempted this level of immersion before. Only when you’ve completed errands for the mob, and 8-Ball’s explosive-related skills are required in “Bomb da Base,” do the mission structures start to open up and become something special. Everything before that is fetch quests.

RAMPAGES SUCKED

GTAV puts you in the shoes of a rage-fueled Trevor Phillips for its “rampages,” which are just mini-missions all about mayhem. GTA3 locked your choice of weapon, and spawned dozens of manic enemies on the screen at once. Couple those mobs with some truly abysmal targeting controls and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

THE OVERWHELMING NOW MUNDANE

           

Remember when it seemed like that drove to Joey Leone’s garage from your safehouse took ages? It really took about 45 seconds. The timers in GTA3 seemed way too fast at the time to get from one end of Portland to the next, and I was dreading playing El Burro’s “Turismo” and “Big n’ Veiny” missions again because they were such a chore in my youth. But whether it’s because I’ve had more 3D driving practice or the complicated routes in current-gen open-world titles have hardened my reflexes, getting around Portland is a breeze.
  

ONE-NOTE CHARACTERS

Because GTA3 launched a series of look-alike games set in the criminal underworld, and it was called a “Mafioso masterpiece” upon its release, it’s easy to remember the game as a large step forward in videogame storytelling. The game is the ancestor of a title in GTAV that gave us multiple protagonists, leading wildly different lives on different socioeconomic plains, right? But that would be the wrong thing to remember. GTA3 is full of one-note and, frankly, racist and chauvinistic characters. Perhaps the complaint is unfair, given that the source material that inspired the game (gangster and heist movies) were full of one-note, racist and chauvinist characters, but this is not a major step forward in any way. It’s a simple revenge tale that consists of escalating gang violence that quickly turns allies on all three islands against you.

CHATTERBOX IS AS GREAT AS EVER

The talk radio stations in the GTA franchise have a long and stories history that can be traced to Lazlow and the Chatterbox program in GTA3. While other features of the game have aged poorly, as you’ve seen above, Lazlow’s program retains its biting social commentary and inventive guests and callers. Though the track is woefully short by today’s standards, and would be laughable in the 70+ hour campaign that is available in GTAV, it’s still laugh-out-loud funny for its entire running length and features more memorable moments than any other game in the series.

THE THREE ISLAND DESIGN IS THE WAY TO GO

Complained about heavily when the game first released, and in its subsequent sequels, the idea of revealing the map in waves to the player in GTA3 is undoubtedly a feature that should be reinstated at some point in the franchise, in order to preserve an element of whimsical discovery and a feeling of accomplishment in progressing through the game’s narrative. I’ve spent nearly 10 hours back in just Portland, and I’ve discovered paths I didn’t know existed when the game released even now. There’s something to be said for becoming intimately acquainted with areas of the map, then having the window expanded as you accomplish certain feats in the game. Yes, it’s fun to drive anywhere you want to at the beginning of GTAV. But none of the areas of the map feel special as a result of this freedom, in the same way Francis International Airport, the docks and other areas tantalized you on the Playstation 2.

That’s it for now. I’ll continue to add to this post as I play through Grand Theft Auto 3, and eventually Vice City (it’ll be awhile before I tackle San Andreas, and I did so a couple years ago on my Xbox 360, anyway, so the urgency isn’t really there for me). If you’d like to follow along on my nostalgic adventure, follow twitch.tv/kiphillreporter. 

Couch Surfin': The Memorable 'Sopranos' Saga

I was a little late to the party on "The Sopranos." It was always on my list of shows to watch, but for some reason "House," "The Wire" and "How I Met Your Mother" took precedence during my college days of lazily binge-watching online episodes between classes, runs and work.

With the death of James Gandolfini last summer, I figured I owed it to his memory and to my own sensibilities to give the series its due. It took me a year, but I finished the saga this weekend and am in the reflective mood.

The below list may not be the finest episodes of David Chase's classic HBO series, for which we can thank the future airing of shows like "The Wire," "Boardwalk Empire" and "Breaking Bad." Gandolfini and co. showed us we could stomach adult drama on premium television outside the boundaries of traditional broadcast "seasons" and exceeding the content allowed by censors. It may not be the best of that bunch, but it blazed a trail we can duly credit as creating the glut of fantastic TV drama we enjoy today.

SPOILERS BELOW. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

"College"
Originally aired: Feb. 7, 1999


"Am I in the what?"

The draw of "The Sopranos," from the beginning, was the centralized character of Tony Soprano, a flawed leader who is trying to juggle the modern demands of fatherhood while reconciling his violent identity as a leader of organized crime. No episode portrays this better than "College," and there's good reason it's cited by many as the best episode of the series. Contrast the above scene, where Tony attempts to rationalize his role to his daughter, Meadow, with the chilling scene where he strangles an old foe. There's a reason "The Sopranos" hit it big early, and "College" was a major part of that.

"House Arrest"
Originally aired: March 26, 2000


"I don't give a shit if you're working with Wal-Mart. Knock it the fuck off."

The downfall of Vito Corleone was his unwillingness to sell hard drugs. There are echoes of "The Godfather," "Goodfellas" and countless other gangster film classics in "The Sopranos." The characters are self-aware that their leading lives glamorized by modern media. The writers co-opted this disdain for hard drugs in Tony's character and his memorable spat with Richie Aprile, setting up the eventual showdown with Uncle Junior that was the basis for much of the dramatic tension in the show's first few seasons. "House Arrest" is also memorable for showing Tony's commitment (and addiction) to the lifestyle. When his lawyer orders him to lay low, Tony's inability to interact with his criminal crew becomes an unbearable burden.

"The Knight in White Satin Armor"
Originally aired: April 2, 2000


"Ballroom dancing is a legitimate art form."

The spat between Richie Aprile and Tony was clearly headed for some kind of resolution, though who would have guessed it would be Janice who put the beef to bed? "The Knight in White Satin Armor" is notable for its exploration of the relationship between Tony and Janice, a complicated tete a tete that lasted for the entirety of the show's run. Gandolfini shows his chops in the scene when he discovers Aprile is dead. There's a look of relief, surprise and - dare I say it - admiration when he sees Richie lying dead in Janice's arms.

"Funhouse"
Originally aired: April 9, 2000


"Why you making me do this, you fat, miserable, piece of fuckin' shit?"

The writers gave us little time to grieve for Richie Aprile before offing Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero the next week. Pussy was ratting to the FBI, and when Tony finds out, he orders the hit. Pussy's death becomes a major theme throughout the rest of the show, with Vincent Pastore making multiple guest appearances as Tony's subconscious wrangles with having to "deal with" one of his best friends and top earners. There's a memorable mirror in the final season, as Paulie Walnuts thinks back to Pussy's death and believes Tony's out to off him, too.

"Pine Barrens"
Originally aired: May 6, 2001


"You had Tic-Tacs all along? Give me some!"

Steve Buscemi lent his considerable talents to this episode behind the camera, considered another of the series' best, before appearing as Tony's cousin in Season 5. As bit characters go, Christopher Moltisanti and Paulie Gualtieri are perhaps the most interesting in "Sopranos" lore. Christopher must deal with the struggles of being the youngest among the made guys and having his balls constantly broken. Add in substance addiction and constant grief with Paulie, and you have a character that played a huge role in the series' run despite never fully receiving top billing. In "Pine Barrens," we see that constant grief play out in a way that sows seeds for conflict to come.

"Amor Fou"
Originally aired: May 13, 2001


"Kill me. Kill me, you cocksucker."

Of all Tony's love affairs, the most dangerous turned out to be with the beautiful and demented car dealer, Gloria Trillo. She grows jealous of his wife, and his other women, and is one of the few who calls him out on it, prompting a violent showdown that terrifies Tony to his core. Though he sleeps with many women, it is Gloria who continues to recur in his mind long after he learns of her suicide. There's a reason. She illustrates the same mental weakness as him, and he worries her inability to cope reflects a similar possibility within himself.

"Whoever Did This"
Originally aired: November 10, 2002


"That's funny about God, and faith, and shit like that." 

It's tough to pick one episode where Ralph Cifaretto can be best remembered. His strange sexual relationship with Janice, and jokes about Johnny Sack's wife and obsession with the film "Gladiator" provided a constant burr in Tony's saddle. So it's unsurprising that Tony takes care of Ralph, but it is surprising about what puts him over the edge: the death of his prized race horse. The resulting cleanup brings Christopher and Tony closer together, but also reveals the extent of his drug addiction that will ultimately prove to be his downfall with Tony.

"The Strong, Silent Type"
Originally aired: November 17, 2002


"You're weak. You're out of control. And you've become an embarrassment to yourself and everybody else."

It's hard to pick what is most memorable about "The Strong, Silent Type." Tony sleeping with Svetlana, which eventually becomes the basis for his separation from Carmela. The painting of Pie-O-My that eventually finds its way to Paulie's mantle, and becomes the basis for Tony's disdain later in the series. The growing unease between Furio and Carmela. For my money, it's Christopher's intervention, which eventually sets him on the beleaguered path to get sober. The scene is at once darkly comic, wrought with tension and one of the few times the members of Tony's personal family and criminal family interact on a personal level. It's one of the most memorable scenes of the series.

"Unidentified Black Males"
Originally aired: May 2, 2004


"Fuck his foot! It's not his foot! Forget the foot!"

Another episode that's difficult to pin down one or two memorable moments alone. Growing tension between Tony and his cousin Tony (Steve Buscemi) leads to a revelation in Dr. Melfi's office, however, that is one of the most superbly acted scenes in the series. Tony reveals his guilt that his cousin went to prison, and not him, because of a panic attack following an argument with his mother. It's a brief moment of insight that brings Tony to his knees, and it's a shame the whole scene isn't on YouTube. Meanwhile, Finn witnesses Vito in a compromising position that leads to a memorable story arc in the next season.

"Long Term Parking"
Originally aired: May 23, 2004


"Jesus, I don't even know how to say this. It's Christopher."

It's tough to watch "The Sopranos" and not feel slightly sorry for Adriana. Christopher goes through mood swings and she stands dutifully by his side, even through the worst possible drug addiction. A perceived fling with Tony creates friction between the two, but she comes back into his arms. Then, when she seeks to confide in him and get away from the life, he turns around and sells her out to Tony and Syl, who then use her concern for Christopher to entrap her. What's incredibly heartbreaking is that Adriana imagines leaving before agreeing to the ride with Syl. The execution scene is painful to watch, and becomes a source of conflict between Tony and Christopher in ensuing seasons.

"Johnny Cakes"
Originally aired: April 30, 2006


"Listen, Marie, I'm sorry all this had to happen. I never meant to hurt you."

Vito Spatafore went from an interesting bit character to a full-blown story arc in the first half of the Sopranos' sixth season. His struggle with his sexuality, and the differing opinions it inspires in Tony, his crew and the families, provides an original look into modern perceptions about homosexuality and perfect fodder for Phil Leotardo's eventual vendetta against Tony. John Costelloe offers an inspired turn as Jim "Johnny Cakes" Witowski. That Joseph Gannascoli, the actor who portrayed Vito, brought the idea for his character being gay to David Chase and never received top recognition for his performance or idea is a disgrace.

"Second Coming"
Originally aired: May 20, 2007


"You're OK, baby. You're OK, baby."

Anthony Jr. was always an impediment to Tony's mental well-being. He worries about his son all the time, and as Meadow rightfully points out to her brother, it's because he's the only son in an Italian family that Tony is able to be floored by the depression of his son. While the abrupt departure of Blanca throws him into a depressed funk, neither Tony nor Carmella really believe he's at his wit's end until an ill-fated suicide attempt in the family pool. Tony's reaction - immediate rage, then a return to the fatherly instinct of protection - is at once profound and extremely telling about his character. Even in the midst of a potentially life-ending conflict with Phil Leotardo, Tony reverts to his fatherhood role in an instant.

"Made in America" 
Originally aired: June 10, 2007


"I went ahead and ordered some for the table."

What discussion of memorable scenes from "The Sopranos" would be complete without a nodding reference to the final scene? Much maligned when it aired, the final moments of the Sopranos family on the small screen made me squeal with existential joy. Who is that man who goes to the bathroom? Who does Tony see when he looks up to the ringing of the bell at the door? Which "evil at the door" - the remnants of Phil Leotardo's crew, a disenchanted Paulie Walnuts or the "80 to 90 percent chance" of federal indictment will fall Tony Soprano? David Chase decided to let the viewers sort that out, rather than end his series with a definitive answer. As an avid opponent of post-modern non-endings, I can't believe I'm typing these words. But this was the perfect way to end Tony's story. Full stop.

What about you? What moments in Sopranos history do you remember most?

An Inexplicably Close Look at an Obscure Song: "Rock the House" by Gorillaz feat. Del Tha Funky Homosapien

This one hurts.

"Gorillaz" was one of my favorite albums growing up. I still remember picking my jaw off the floor the first time I saw "Clint Eastwood" on MTV. Here was something that had never been tried before, at least on this scale - a completely animated band of misfit musicians, with their own backstories, headed by the brilliant Damon Albarn and for some reason some "Thriller" inspired monkeys. Dude, how are you NOT going to buy that album immediately?

And one of the coolest parts of the debut video was Del tha Funky Homosapien, who has some of the sickest rhymes out there, playing a zombified Russel, the beat man. If you don't still get a chill when Del raps, "time for me is nothin' 'cuz I'm countin' no age," then you didn't grow up in the early 2000s.

So what the fuck happened with "Rock the House"?

Take all of the lyrical genius of "Clint Eastwood" and throw it out the window. Sure, that horn line is catchy. I mean, every program on music television (MTV, VH1, what have you) used it as intro/outro music. It is a fantastic beat, there's no question. But is it really "Rock the House" material?

"I got the balls to rock the salsa" Yeah. You actually heard that.

We're in 2014, and I've still yet to find someone who can tell me why one needs to shake their asscrack when simply shaking their ass will do. And, I mean, look at that video! Del is essentially the bad guy in the opening scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Come on, guys. Surely we can do better than this.

Del's involvement with the band ended with that self-title debut in 2001, and I can't help but think lines like "Get funky we've been funkadelic wearin' Pampers/While you eggheads is on the wall preparin' answers," had something to do with that. Del, we loved you in Tony Hawk 3, why must you give us this?

Of course, I could be looking at this too closely. 

Virtual Dork: My most memorable Grand Theft Auto missions

I recently spent a pleasurable few weeks reading David Kushner's love letter to the Doom generation and its two mastermind's Kleenex-like level of influence on the video game world. The nonfiction work was littered with anachronisms like modems, Usenet groups and "freeware," but perhaps the most glaring and oft-repeated outdated reference to this reader was the use of the word "levels" to refer to chunks of gameplay. Today's gamers simply don't think in terms of levels as they used to in the days of coin-op and the gameplay design that put Johns Carmack and Romero on the map in the mid-1990s.

The prevailing theory would be that the prevalence of narrative-based gaming, console hard drives and solid-state memory devices (remember those 8MB memory cards for your PS2?) has blended the experience of playing a triple-A title to the point where we think little of gameplay chunks when we jump into an immersive game world. In other words, our experiences are defined by the time between when we, the gamer, push the "on" and "off" buttons on our gaming devices, not pre-determined periods of time decided by a developer.

While this has turned the notion of playing a video game on its head immeasurably since the late 1990s (personally, I'll blame the advent of anytime saving in Half-Life and checkpoint saving first available - to my knowledge - in Halo: Combat Evolved on the original Xbox), there's something to be said for relishing the work video game developers put into crafting a perfect mini-experience into a more cohesive whole.

In no game does that passion for mission design continue so unabated as in the games of the revolutionaries of free-form mission design, the folks at Rockstar Games. It's defining franchise, Grand Theft Auto, features three console generations (and soon to be a fourth) of unforgettable experiences through its timeless missions. Below are a list of my ten absolute favorite, as I prepare to double-dip with the gorgeous-looking PS4 update to Grand Theft Auto V. Enjoy.

10. "The Exchange"
Game: Grand Theft Auto 3 (2001)
Mission Given By: Catalina
Rewards: A cool $1 million, a Rhino tank available at Phil's gun shop, and you get to shut Maria up



The capstone of Rockstar's "mafioso masterpiece," as it was proclaimed on the in-game poster shipped with my Playstation 2 copy of Grand Theft Auto 3, "The Exchange" saw Claude Speed rushing to enact revenge against Catalina, who was flying away from the Shoreside Vale dam with a kidnapped Maria awaiting her rescue. You had to fight your way through Catalina's goons armed with an extensive array of automatic weaponry in enough time to fire a few well-timed blasts with your rocket launcher at the fleeing heli, all with that damn clock running. As the credits then rolled, you were treated to Claude shutting up a nattering Maria with a shotgun blast. Bliss.

9. "Rub Out"
Game: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (2002)
Mission Given By: Lance Vance
Rewards: $50K, Ricardo Diaz's mansion becomes your own personal playground


In retrospect, Ricardo Diaz (voiced by Luis Guzman) would have been a much cooler sidekick than Lance Vance (Philip Michael Thomas), who is in fact a backstabbing, murderous traitor who you will later have to off along with Sonny Forelli (Tom Sizemore). Oops. Spoilers. Rub Out is a much more satisfying (and in fact carbon copy) of Vice City's final mission. You have to fight your way through Diaz's goons, eventually popping a cap in the fat man himself, all the while making sure Lance doesn't turn into Swiss cheese. Bonus points for that final view from Diaz down the barrel of your guns. "Good NIGHT, Mr. Diaz!"

8. "The Green Sabre"
Game: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004)
Mission Given By: Sweet
Rewards: That dick Tenpenny takes your weapons, imprisons your brother and leaves you in the middle-of-nowhere


Sure, you could make a case San Andreas' final "Training Day"-inspired mission, End of the Line, was one of the most involved and cinematic in the GTA series up until that point. But "The Green Sabre" gave us a common enemy, beside those bustas the Ballers, and turned the narrative of San Andreas on its head. Fighting alongside a mortally wounded Sweet for Grove Street could have served as a nice crescendo for the final act of a Los Santos GTA adventure. As it was, we were just getting started.

Rockstar found the source material so compelling it repeated the theme in GTAV's "Hood Safari."

7. I Scream, You Scream
Game: Grand Theft Auto 3 (2001)
Mission Given By: El Burro
Rewards: $6,000, mafia goons flambéed



Rumor has it, this mission was so controversial it got overhauled in the 9/11 edit of GTA3 that delayed its release for several months. Originally, Darkel was supposed to call Claude and have him take out random passersby with explosives secreted in an ice cream truck. Instead, El Burro wants you to target mafia members who are cutting in on his business, which if his banter is to be believed involves selling burritos and fiendishly difficult to collect pornographic videotapes. Jingle jangle, KABOOM! Proving that GTA hadn't left its sophomoric streak of violence and humor in the 2D generation, I Scream, You Scream reminded us why it was good to be bad. And it wasn't the first time violence and junkfood mixed in the series, as we'll see later...

6. Boomshine Saigon
Game: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (2002)
Mission Given By: Phil Cassidy
Rewards: $4,000; ability to buy weapons from Phil; seeing Gary Busey in his natural element in video game form


Vice City gamers would remember Phil Cassidy as that mysterious one-armed man who hawked weapons in north Staunton Island. For its prequel, it would take that character, add a mullet, Gary Busey and some illegal liquor, and convince us Phil was actually a nutjob out to dismantle the U.S. government. It does a great deal of that exposition in Boomshine Saigon, which explains the disappearance of Cassidy's arm in the 2001-set Grand Theft Auto 3. As Tommy Vercetti (Ray Liotta), you have to drive Phil to the hospital before he bleeds out. Of course, you've sniffed some of the intoxicating fumes of...whatever the hell Phil was cooking, sending you careening into other cars as the timer ticks down. This mission would be higher if it didn't introduce that hazy screen and wonky controls that would make another appearance in San Andreas' Are You Going to San Fierro? and to much more annoying effect in GTAIV and V after a night of drinking.

5. Hot Dog Homicide
Game: Grand Theft Auto 2 (1999)
Mission Given By: Russians
Rewards: $40,000, respect, and a copy of Upton Sinclair's The Jungle

The brilliance of GTA's mission design is not confined to the 3D era. Hot Dog Homicide is another of the inexplicable reasons GTA2 received a "Teen" rating, as you play Claude Speed once again. This time, you're picking up fresh meat for a diner by stopping for passengers at various bus stops. That's not a mistype. You then herd the unsuspecting masses into a meat grinder and drive a hot dog van to the dropoff. Mission complete. But yeah, you probably shouldn't let your middle-schooler read Catcher in the Rye.

4. Vertical Bird
Game: Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas (2004)
Mission Given By: Mike Toreno
Rewards: $50K, respect, a Hydra at your hideout and James Woods' undying love


Mike Toreno (James Wood) has Carl Johnson (Young Maylay) do some ridiculous things in San Andreas. Perhaps the most ridiculous is infiltrate a government warship to steal a high-powered, futuristic jet fighter. "Vertical Bird" had everything that made San Andreas bigger, better and more involved than the gameplay of its predecessors. There was even the opportunity for a bit of stealth as you stalked the Hydra on the off-limits real estate of the San Fierro military base. Some will say they prefer the assault on Area 69, Black Project, is their favorite San Andreas mission because it yields the game-changing jetpack. But Vertical Bird combines all the elements that make the game so fun.

3. Three Leaf Clover
Game: Grand Theft Auto IV (2008)
Mission Given By: Packie McReary
Rewards: $250K, achievement, your roommate feeding you Verbal Kint references


Three Leaf Clover provided the groundwork for GTAV's heist missions, and it was the first (and arguably only) glimpse of what the next generation of hardware could do to amp up the intensity of the GTA mission structure. Packie McReary provided a nice, light-hearted (but still deadly) counterpoint to brooding Niko Bellic, and it was nice to see Rockstar open up its mission structure to provide for some spirited gunplay and a truly impressive bank heist that has its routes as early as Vice City.

2. Caida Libre (or "Freefall")
Game: Grand Theft Auto V (2013)
Mission Given By: Martin Madrazo
Rewards: Achievement, the stunning brilliance of GTAV on full display


As the most recent iteration in the GTA franchise, V suffers from what I'll call "mission envelopment." The story arcs in GTA have become more grandiose through the years, with the game's narrative often supplanting the simple tasks at hand in recent versions of the game. In V, you're always working toward a bigger score, or a heist, or a hit, so that when you do finally achieve your ultimate goal, it feels more of a process than one long, extended chunk of gameplay.

Not so in "Caida Libre," which is a self-contained masterpiece showcasing the best of what GTAV had to offer - character switching, larger-than-life stakes and a trip through the sprawling dustlands of north Los Santos. Shooting aircraft out of the sky has been a feature of GTA since the aforementioned "The Exchange" in GTA3. But whereas all other versions were falling with style, "Caida Libre" showed just how far the series had come.

1. Bomb da Base
Game: Grand Theft Auto 3 (2001)
Mission Given By: 8-Ball
Rewards: $150K, Staunton Island, and 13 subsequent years of GTA gaming



"Alright, let's do this thing." 8-Ball was ready, and so were you, Claude Speed, for the mission that would define the next decade of GTA gaming. Armed with a sniper rifle, you were tasked with protecting 8-Ball as the AI-controlled character moved his way through a heavily guarded tanker to place a bomb. His hands were still pretty messed up, so you had to drive and take that adrenaline pill to slow time down long enough to stop the goons' automatic weapons from riddling your bomb-making friend.

When Rockstar began working on the sequels to GTA3, this was the mission they used as their guide. For good reason. Bomb da Base served as a bombastic (no pun intended) end to the Portland saga, and would have been a fitting end to the GTA3 story. But you had much crime ahead of you, none of which captured those sweaty palms of trying to pull off a headshot before 8-Ball bit the dust.

Virtual Dork: An IGN revision, the Top 20 Games of this Generation

I was dragged, kicking and screaming, into the latest generation of game consoles. I adored my Playstation 2, so much so that parting ways with it placed me in an existential funk it took me an entire playthrough of the original Gears of War to shake. I bought an Xbox 360 in 2007, awaiting the May 2008 release of Grand Theft Auto IV. Really, that was the only reason.


Seven years later, the damn thing is still sitting on the top of my dresser, and gets about as much (if not more) love than my tubby tabby cat.


IGN recently released its list of the top 100 games of this generation, as we move forward to some AAA titles releasing on next-generation hardware, perhaps none bigger so far than Ubisoft's Watch Dogs offering set to drop next week. While I tend to think picking on another person's (or publication's) best of lists is a fool's errand, I was supremely unimpressed by the final order of IGN's top games.


While I came into my gaming self during the SNES and original Playstation days, I've felt no closer to a generation of games than the one we're about to leave in the rear-view mirror. So, while I know I did a top games of the 00's list just a few years ago, I feel inclined to answer IGN with a new list centered specifically on the last eight years of gaming.


A word of caution before we begin: I was an Xbox gamer. I understand the Uncharted games are excellent and there are many other PS3 exclusives that are probably missing. But, not having played them, I can't say with any authority which is better than the other. I did have access to a Nintendo Wii for a while during the past generation, however, and I feel well informed to include some of those titles among the ones listed below.

20. Gears of War 3 (Xbox 360, released 2011)

If Gears of War proved the cover-based shooter could survive on consoles and Gears of War 2 gave us the oft-emulated “Horde mode,” Gears of War 3 tied those elements together in a cinematic package that couldn't be beat. Campaign co-op was a blast and the addition of mech suits gave the usually plodding pace a bit more zip. A lot was made of the story element to the final game, sending off Dom and resolving the plotline between Marcus Fenix and his father. I couldn't care less. The shotty was satisfying and the chainsaw revved once more. Gears 3 was the best of the series, hands down.

19. You Don't Know Jack (multi, released 2011)

To the untrained eye, the 2011 release of You Don't Know Jack on current generations of consoles was merely an extension of the console and PC classic from the mid-to-late 90s. However, Jellyvision crafted a much more focused experience with episode-based content that enabled you to play for hours without repeating a question. The introduction of new theme-based questions (Nocturnal Admissions with Cookie Masterson is my personal favorite) and the strategic element of the “Wrong Answer of the Game” makes the most recent console outing the best in a long line of full retail releases. Episode packs ended when Jelllyvision moved to supporting its Facebook app game and other titles, but there's still enough fun here for multiple wasted afternoons with friends, either online or on the couch next to you.

18. Assassin's Creed 3 (multi, released 2012)

The American colonies proved a perfect fit for Assassin's Creed gameplay, and while the first two numbered entries in the now-prolific series set the narrative tone for subsequent games, it is the third title that explores history and offers player freedom in a way that hadn't yet been experienced. Some will say they prefer Assassin's Creed 2's Ezio and his bubbly persona to the ceaselessly pissed Connor. I found his relationship with Kenway much more interesting than any of Desmond's exploits so far or his ancestors. The sea battles, hunting and pirate coves were a welcome diversion from the rinse-and-repeat gameplay of climbing towers, shoving your way through streets and slipping into haybales to avoid detection. Ubisoft hit a high point with Assassin's Creed 3 they'll have to work hard to overcome in the next generation.

17. Borderlands 2 (multi, released 2012)

Borderlands 2 took everything that was great with the original's formula (including Claptrap) and kicked it up a notch in the sequel. The gunplay is satisfying, the villain actually has some personality and the infectious looting is given an adrenaline shot in the arm. While the cel-shaded graphics still aren't my favorite thing in the world, they work in the world of Pandora, which still feels fresh in the game's second installment. It appears as though the creators are going in the story-telling direction with Telltale Games' Tales from the Borderlands releasing sometime in the next year, but let's hope the next generation of consoles gives us brand new settings, equally compelling characters and the same addictive gunplay and collecting we've come to expect from the series.

16. Grand Theft Auto IV (multi, released 2008)

The story of Niko Bellic is what stands out as GTAIV's crowning achievement. The add-ons, while fun, are forgettable and given the technical achievement that is GTAV, Liberty City just doesn't feel as fun as it used to when this game released. Still, Rockstar is to be commended for bringing their flagship franchise into the high-definition era with style, and giving us a grown-up story to match the brilliant open-world gameplay. GTAIV provided the stepping stone that gave us (spoiler) the best game of this generation, and it deserves to be counted among the generation's best because of it.

15. Donkey Kong County Returns (Nintendo Wii, released 2010)

The return of the 2D platformer is a legacy this generation of consoles should be proud in promoting. None stood taller than Retro Studios' Donkey Kong Country Returns, which traded the Kremlings for Tikis and the standard controller for some motion-based antics. The game was fast, fun and with the addition of simultaneous co-op (pioneered in New Super Mario Bros. Wii) took a legacy formula and made it the ultimate party game. It was also gorgeous, throwing Donkey and Diddy into the background and foreground as well as casting them in vibrant silhouettes that kept gamers on their toes.

14. Red Dead Redemption (multi, released 2010)

Reviving the series Rockstar took over from Capcom in the PS2-era, Red Dead Redemption casts its (anti)hero as John Marston, and gives us one of the last generation's greatest stories. The gunplay is leaps and bounds ahead of GTAIV's, and the horse mechanics gel brilliantly with Rockstar's brand of open-world gameplay. The seeds for GTAV's infectious online mode are laid in RDR's open-world multiplayer extravaganza, and the single player experience is chock full of things to do in what seems a barren environment. Red Dead is an achievement that we can only hope will be built upon in the next round of hardware.

13. Bioshock (originally Xbox exclusive, then multi, released 2007)

What if you made a spiritual successor to System Shock 2, that kept its ambiguous morality but made its gunplay infinitely more approachable and threw on a sheen of Randian objectivism? You get Bioshock, a mindbending journey under the sea that made the phrase “Would you kindly?” spine-tinglingly sinister. Long after the smoke from your pistol dissipated, you'd be thinking about what your actions meant, a theme only enhanced by the brilliant follow-up Bioshock: Infinite.

12. Team Fortress 2 (multi, released 2007)

While free-to-play is now ubiquitous, who would have known its greatest title would be a follow-up to a modification of the original Half-Life released more than 15 years ago? Team Fortress 2 is a social experience that gets an online community to work together, something the countless clones of Call of Duty seem to have proven impossible. Its cartoonish style only adds to its charm, and no matter what device you play the game on it's a great way to lose yourself in a simplistic world for several hours. That it remains one of the top-played games on Steam only shows the brilliance of its simple design.

11. Halo 4 (Xbox 360, released 2012)

Halo 3 brought the Master Chief into the high-definition era, but what 343 Industries did with the next numbered entry in the series gave the Spartan his definitive experience on the last generation of consoles. A campaign that introduced a new threat (albeit with somewhat of a cinematic and chintzy final boss), new weapons and switched the mechanics up just enough to allow 343 to make the game its own are just some of the reasons Halo 4 outshined the previous iterations of the series on the 360. The biggest leap forward for me, though, was the introduction of Spartan Ops, a somewhat hit-and-miss episodic adventure that kept me (and my buddies) coming back long after the credits rolled.

10. Portal 2 (multi, released 2011)

It could be the introduction of new witty enemy Wheatley, or the stronger attempt at narrative, or perhaps the goo-themed mind-bending puzzles that built upon the original Portal that ratcheted its successor onto my list of favorite games of the past generation. But the biggest reason was its local co-op functionality that radically changed how you played the first-person puzzler. Shots needed to be timed, portals opened and closed in the wink of an eye, but none of the solutions ever felt cheap, even with two players tackling the challenges. The return of GLADoS was, forgive me, icing on the cake.

9. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (multi, released 2009)

Yes, yes, Call of Duty 4 modernized the genre and provided the first glimpse of innovations that have become genre staples. And the hideous lack of an open beta made MW2's multiplayer frustratingly broken early in its lifecycle (Javelin glitch, anyone?). But as patches were released, and the furor over the game's “No Russian” mission subsided, what emerged is one hell of a game that I, personally, have poured more than a month into in game time. That's not a misprint, I have the stats in my Barracks to prove it. Modern Warfare 2 also holds claim to the greatest shotgun (the game's version of the Spas-12) in the history of first-person shooters. Don't dispute it.

8. Mario Kart Wii (Nintendo Wii, released 2008)

Forget that dumb plastic wheel peripheral. Yeah, it was innovative at the time, but the real reason you kept coming back to Mario Kart Wii was the beautiful tracks, the thrill of hitting that power slide juuuusst right and – above all else – smearing your friend's face in defeat. Mario Kart Wii allowed four players to crowd around the TV and link up with would-be racers around the world for the first time. While it didn't always work perfectly, it was always a lot of damn fun. Many an epithet was shouted at the 117 in Nashville as that blue shell closed in on each and every one of us.

7. Batman: Arkham Aslyum (multi, released 2009)

I can't remember a gaming world before Arkham Asylum, and I certainly don't want to remember Batman on consoles before it. Rocksteady got the Dark Knight, and it did so at a perfect time following the massive success of Christopher Nolan's film. Introducing an unforgettable rogue gallery headed by the Joker, but also including lesser-known and more outlandish foes like Killer Croc and Victor Zsasz. The asylum itself, a longstanding destination of evil in the comics, comes to life in ways that wouldn't have been possible on the hardware that came before the Xbox 360. Rocksteady launched a franchise to be reckoned with in Arkham Asylum, which seems to be headed for an explosive finale with the much-anticipated Arkham Knight.

6. Telltale Games Presents: The Walking Dead (multi, released 2012)

Telltale Games took us on perhaps the most emotional journey of the past generation in the midst of an apocalyptic nightmare. Taking its visual cues from the comic book series, the slightly cel-shaded look of The Walking Dead belies a deep and mature story about love, loss and responsibility. Lee Everett is a complex protagonist whose relationship with Clementine evolves in an episodic manner, right up to the heart-wrenching finale. Like no other game this side of X-Com, your choices have painfully real consequences in Telltale Games' masterpiece that proved episodic gaming wasn't just a ploy by developers delivering DLC cash-grabs.

5. The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (multi, released 2011)

Bethesda, the king of massive gameplay worlds, sends you into a Nordic fantasyland full of dastardly characters, demonic dungeons and heroic battles in the fifth installment of its Elder Scrolls series. One could get lost in the lore bound in tomes of a castle's library for hours, should they choose, or instead punch the village drunk in the face and start widespread chaos – until you take an arrow to the knee. Magnificent Scandinavian voice acting gives Skyrim a unique feel, and the unique character progression allows players to level without grinding, should they choose. This is as close to a perfect console RPG as you're going to get, unless your name is …

4. Fallout 3 (multi, released 2008

Immediately destroying its moniker as “Elder Scrolls with guns,” Bethesda took an established turn-based franchise and turned it on its first-person head, allowing you to see through the eyes of a Vault Dweller for the first time in perhaps gaming's most famous post-apocalyptic wasteland. This time, in fact, you found yourself in the Capital Wastes, searching for your father in the most personal story contained within a Fallout game to date. The Deathclaws, wry humor and Super Mutants were all along for the ride, which stretched to easily more than 70 hours of gameplay if you scoured for every last bottle of Nuka-Cola. And what a way (and place) to spend it.

3. Super Mario Galaxy 2 (Nintendo Wii, 2010)

There will be swearing. Those damn green stars are going to make your head spin. Super Mario Galaxy 2 builds in every way upon its revolutionary predecessor, which took Mario to the skies in search of saving Princess Peach from the clutches of Bowser (duh). Super Mario Galaxy 2 is beautiful. The soundtrack is spot on. Yoshi's appearance in the 3D world is a breath of fresh air. But most importantly, the second entry in the Galaxy series allowed Nintendo to play with the concept of planets, creating stunning challenges that pushed the boundaries of the hardware and, in the process, platforming. More than 25 years after emerging from his first green pipe, Mario showed he still had chops this generation.

2. Bioshock: Infinite (multi, released 2013)

What's to say about a game built upon a premise in the clouds that shows us the depths of human behavior? Zachary Hale Comstock improves upon the dastardly clout of Andrew Ryan and Frank Fontaine in the first Bioshock title. His patriots and other heavy hitters deal just as much punishment and fear as the Big Daddies that populated Rapture. But the true achievement of Bioshock: Infinite is the relationship between Elizabeth and Booker, and how the player realizes that something is amiss about the tears, memories and alternate realities that Irrational Games guides you through in the pair's adventure. The last 20 minutes, mostly achieved through cutscenes, are some of the most powerful moments of video gaming in this or any generation. The two stellar episodic follow-ups, which tie the trilogy together, only add to the prestige of this astounding achievement.

1. Grand Theft Auto V (multi, released 2013)

How do you take one of the biggest gaming franchises and make it better? Add back in the insanity and over-the-top gameplay that put you on the map, split the narrative between three characters and offer a persistent online world for players with the kind of gameplay options one would expect from the king of open-world games. GTAV pushes the current generation to its limit, building a living, breathing San Andreas that makes all other open world attempts, including 2008's Liberty City, pale in comparison. The story may not be as focused as Niko Bellic's, but it more than makes up for it in offering us three deeply troubled characters shaped by – and willing to try to change – their surroundings. While other games of this generation took conventions we were accustomed to and ratcheted them up in terms of their visual fidelity and presentation, GTAV did things (branching mission paths, multiple characters who can be changed on the fly, a persistent online world with its own economies and constantly changing dynamics) that literally changed the way we played. And for that, it's the greatest game of the past eight years.

An Inexplicably Close Look at an Obscure Song: The Ataris "Boys of Summer"

When I was a kid, like many I dreamed of rock and roll weekends. I even held a bass at one point and attempted to learn the instrument, despite having the rhythm of some combination of Anthony Michael Hall characters from the 1980s.

There were two names I wanted for my band, to be emblazoned across the drum set as I made young women swoon with my delicious licks. The first was The Ecto-Coolers. The second was The Ataris.

As far as I know, the Hi-C inspired moniker is still up for grabs. I was devastated when I learned sometime around the 10th grade my back-up dreams were dashed.

If you're going to name yourselves after the early 80s video game console of choice, you better be damn good. The Ataris seemed it when I started listening to their music right around junior high. "Angry Nerd Rock" is still one of my angsty favorites from those days, when American Hi-Fi and Mest were on repeat in my portable CD player and Dude Where's My Car? was in my VCR.

Ahem. Back off the nostalgia train.

"Boys of Summer" never really made much sense to me. I mean, yeah, I understood it when it was played at baseball stadiums and whatnot, but the whole concept seemed dated, even in the 1980s. Was Don Henley singing about gypsies? Who were these boys, and more importantly, where did their female counterparts come from? Are there hordes of young attractive people who burrow themselves underground in winter and show up for sex, drugs and rock and roll in the summer? Is that what those Disney internships are all about?

The Ataris cover of the 1984 hit answers none of these questions, and it also avoids what a good cover song should do - that is, take a song and change its style, message or some other facet to make it your own. For example, the millions of ska/punk covers of 80s songs. Or Authority Zero's (contemporary with The Ataris) cover of "Mexican Radio."

What we get with The Ataris is a straightforward, power pop version of a song that was already a straightforward, power pop piece that is the musical equivalent of a corn dog - battered with sweetness, but unfilling and leaving you with regret.

The Ataris would have been better off covering the Juno First theme song. But maybe I'm just looking into it too closely.

An Inexplicably Close Look at an Obscure Song: Jimmie's Chicken Shack "Trash"

I remember my early encounters with pop-ska-rockers "Jimmie's Chicken Shack" with a fondness that came from two sources.

The first being my excitement that I had another group of counter-culture dudes to look up to with which I could ignore the drivel that dominated Total Request Live. The second, much-earlier bout of happiness came the first time I heard the group announced on the radio and hopes sprung that we had a new restaurant in town that could compete with the dry-heave-inducing Popeye's (Louisiana Fast...all the way to the john).

Those first hopes were sustained through the band's first effort I was aware of, 1999's "Do Right" off the group's second-major release, "Bring Your Own Stereo." It was the perfect blend of angst-y, drunken fantasy mixed with power chords that mixed well with the Blink-182's and Sum 41's of the era.

Then came "Trash," the second single off the album.

It's not that the sophomore effort is worse than "Do Right" in any way, it's simply that, at its core, "Trash" is the exact same song. For a band with "chicken" in its name, Jimmie's Chicken Shack's music is surprisingly more like pancakes - as the great Mitch Hedberg once told us, great at first, but by the end, you're fuckin' sick of 'em.

In "Trash," we're introduced to a dramatic voice that, for all intents and purposes, is likely the same manic-depressive mess of a lead singer who's regaling us in "Do Right." Indeed, lead singer Jimi Haha (I wish I was making that up) has said the entire album is about his ex-girlfriend from New Jersey. In other words, this pony's doing the same trick over and over.

While "Trash" attempts to do a few things its predecessor did not, including a foray into the trilingual ("Auf Wiedersehen, yeah my mon ami"), the basic premise is the same: I'm more than you're making me out to be. And, predictably, the final few lines of the song unravel into a nonsensical rant about "jumping right in," presumably to attacking the "mom" in the song that keeps calling our sweet Jimi trash.

By the end, we've learned that the judgmental matriarch enjoys purchasing drugs from our sweet Jimi and ignores personal hygiene.

Not included in the liner notes: Whether it would be a reasonable expectation for a Baby Boomer to label those pictured above as filthy.

The final line of the song gets in the ultimate dig for a musician clawing his way up the modern rock charts: "Tell your mom, I'm on the radio." Yes, Jimi, yes you were. For about 14 minutes and 59 seconds in an era jam-packed with post-grunge talent, some extremely gifted and others not so much.

Jimmie's Chicken Shack may have cornered the market on angst-ridden young men heaving spite at past lovers. One wonders if this band, which had a unique sound and a hook unlike many of their contemporaries, could have clung to a little more fame had they branched out, song-writing-wise.

But perhaps I'm reading into it a little too much.

An Inexplicably Close Look at an Obscure Song: OK Go "Get Over It"

Before they were messing around with your gym equipment and wasting time in abandoned warehouses, Chicago-based alt rockers OK Go were doing something very pedestrian by their standards: Imploring some wanton audience to put things in perspective.



An Inexplicably Close Look at an Obscure Song (or AICLOS, for those of you acronymically inclined) has always been about exegesis of the trivial: Those nonsensical lyrics you just can't get out of your head from a ditty no one cares about. OK Go has rendered that mission difficult, as it is quite impossible to divorce the band from their ingenuity in crafting visual representations of their music that stun and get people talking. Don't believe me? Walk into the next bar you come across and ask the patrons about OK Go's debut album, and they'll sit there, mouths agape. Ask them about those guys that made that music video on a treadmill, and you'll get laughs and pats on the back.

OK Go has taken an era where the music video has been rendered pointless, thanks to MTV's constant marathon of teenagers doing awful things, and embraced the viral nature of today's video content. One could imagine them shooting themselves out of cannon at bullseye comprised of vials of infectious diseases, if only for a couple thousand more hits on YouTube.

"Get Over It" is the band's first official music video, and its nod to the band's future half avant-garde, half bored Americans at work audience is a super slow-motion ping pong game in which the melody halts entirely. Seriously. That's it. The rest of the time they're playing their instruments and having random objects thrown at them.

Like OK Go's other songs, the visual representation has nothing to do with the lyrical content of the song, which is ostensibly a rant to a friend of either gender for complaining about things that are beyond your control and to simply enjoy what pleasures you have in life. Whether one of those pleasures is a ping pong game or a faithless wife is something you'll have to decide for yourself.

Of course, without reading the lyrics and instead simply reading the title of the song, one could surmise that OK Go's been pulling a fast one on us for the last several years. Their nonsensical videos could simply be a commentary on how seriously the music industry was taking itself, though considering these guys shortly postdated things like this, it's hard to take that position seriously.

Maybe I shouldn't be reading too much into the music of a band that named itself after the thing you say while impatiently waiting in line for the waterslide.

The Shallow End Presents: An Inexplicably Close Look at an Obscure Song, Louis XIV "Finding Out True Love is Blind"

Pop music exists solely for the purpose of giving you that sugar rush, fizzy feeling only soda bubbles can provide. Of course, on closer inspection, the songs in this genre tend toward the flat, syrupy nonsense that signals it's time to crack open another 2-liter. Luckily, the Shallow End is here to lap up the dregs.

For all their differences, the two Louis XIV's that will go down in my history book (yeah, I'm writing one — professional baseball ends in 1985) actually have a lot in common. Sure, there's the discrepancy between their periods of relevance. The French monarch was in power for 72 years, while the San Diego-based rockers were a blip on the modern rock dial for roughly 72 hours. The king waged a war against Protestants, while the band focused their efforts on good musical taste (zing!). The king rested his head at the luxurious Palace of Versailles, while I can only suspect the band snoozed on a tour bus amid a group of squealing groupies. I mean, that's what Almost Famous taught me.

But perhaps the greatest congruency between the two is their inherent treatment of women as objects. This has become a central theme of the Inexplicably Close Look in our examinations so far, and in fact thinking about Louis XIV's semi-hit from 2005, "Finding Out True Love is Blind," I saw a clear cultural path from pop songs of days past.



The song provided some controversy when, in 2005, mega-school Hoover High in Alabama (that place where MTV filmed their high school football tell-all) banned the quartet from playing a gig under their roof. The reason? Promoting hedonism and rowdiness, with more than a hint of racism in the lyrics. Shallow End reports, you decide:

Ah chocolate girl, well you're looking like something I want
Ah and your little Asian friend well, well she can come if she wants
I want all the self conscious girls who try to hide who they are with makeup
You know it’s the girl with a frown with the tight pants I really want to shake up

OK, OK, ee cummings this is not. Let's also put aside the mildly amusing fact that a man wearing eyeshadow is crooning about picking a woman out of a glorified police lineup (everyone has their moment of "The Cure" weakness, I suppose). Is it racist?

Our dramatic voice in this song is soliciting a "chocolate girl." We can assume he doesn't mean the Hershey variety. And he clearly wants to friend-zone the "little Asian friend," perhaps she's coming along to carry the long train of garments Louis XIV was known to wear. There may be nothing sexual at all about the ditty. The last two lines clearly suggest this guy has something other than skin color on his mind, though. And that's getting with women who are insecure about themselves and perhaps one who will put up a bit of a fight in the process. Racist? Probably not. Morally reprehensible? You decide that one.

Really, we shouldn't fault Louis XIV though. I mean, "Finding Out True Love is Blind" is just an extension of the path we've been on since the Beach Boys' "California Girls" to Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5." Yes, I did just mention those...shudder...artists in the same sentence (Bega, you owe me a beer for that last remark — that is, if those royalty checks from 1999 are still rolling in. If not, I'll take a rain check). For a band so keen on invoking history, it's only fair we afford them the misogynistic context they so rightfully deserve.

(Let's be fair to the Beach Boys, who were singing in a different time and place in our culture. But if one need see evidence of how far the "California Girls" conceit can be taken to the male-dominated extreme in our current culture of sexual dynamics, look — if you dare — no further than David Lee Roth's update.)

Let's not carry this too far, though. I mean, Louis XIV the band is merely singing to a generation of girls who are being told that their idols objectify the female form, while Louis XIV the man actually seduced mistresses in addition to his wife, who bore him six children. In between all that purging the continent of Protestants stuff and setting in place the contempt of authority that ultimately spurred the French Revolution.

The affront on your eardrums (and your liberal-minded tendencies) will have to make the call about which was more detrimental to mankind. Or maybe you'd rather spend time thinking about something more productive, like I should have been doing.